“The Curse of the Dragon Queen, Charlie Chan and”

Not technically a curse, but a major motion picture starring Peter Ustinov and Angie Dickinson. Its capacity to determine the outcome of the World Series is debated by baseball scholars to this day.

Curses again

Trautwig is not the only one active in this area. The Curse of the Bambino may no longer be in operation, but William Sianis' celebrated spell of 1945 ("Cubs, they not gonna win anymore") following a regrettable incident with a malodorous goat is still proving extremely effective in Chicago. In fact, the whole malediction field is surprisingly crowded. How many people know, for example, of the Curse of the Ant?

The Curse of the Ant

This one has haunted the Pittsburgh Pirates for decades. With two outs in the bottom of the ninth and a man on third in a meaningless late-September bottom-of-the-division clash against the Milwaukee Brewers, an ant controversially crawled across home plate as the Brewers pitcher was about to deliver. The Pirates’ switch-hitting second baseman Bill Nowizickiyzykzykzykczczczczialanek ('The Swamp Man') was fatally distracted and struck out swinging. Since then, switch-hitting second basemen for the Pirates have gone 0 for 13,464 in the ninth inning of meaningless late-September bottom-of-the-division clashes against the Milwaukee Brewers. Pirates fans can be seen gathering in the noonday sun with magnifying glasses for ritual executions in the hope of reversing the Curse of the Ant.

A Modest Proposal

So I turned on my TV to watch The Bronx is Burning - which I had been looking forward to with schoolgirlish excitement for what seemed like months - and instead I found myself watching some balls-aching crap known as the Home Run Derby. This was an event so vacuous that ESPN needed six analysts - three in the stadium and three back in the studio - to bring out the full tedium.

One of the revolting things about the Home Run Derby is having to watch Albert Pujols' straining-at-stool batting stance for fifteen consecutive minutes. Another was the vast and unexplained presence of children. They were everywhere - in the stands, on the field, behind home plate. The players brought their children, the fans brought their children, the children brought their children. It is presumably Major League Baseball's belief that this will make the Derby and its risible sister event, the All-Star Game, feel like a big, warm family party. Actually, it makes me wonder whether Michael Jackson has been elected Commissioner of Baseball without my knowing.

One group of children in particular caught my eye, the hapless gang they had rounded up and sent into centre field to catch the failed home runs. They ran around as though they had been starved in captivity for two weeks and then told that the small, spherical things coming their way were made of corned beef. (And yet, by my count, not one managed to catch a ball.)

If baseball insists on using kids in this event, it should be altered to employ them in a more amusing way. First, it should be renamed the Home Run Pitching Derby. Then someone should construct a giant catapult, like a medieval siege engine.



There would be a little seat in which one of the children would be strapped. The seat would be connected to a spring, which would in turn be operated by a lever with a target on it. The game's best pitchers would line up and attempt to hit the target. Each time there was a hit, there would be a huge SPROINGGGG and a child would be launched out of the stadium. The pitcher with the most children landing in the river (or the parking lot, depending on where the game was being played) wins.

'He almost killed him. Jolly good show!'

Being foreign, I've never understood the schoolmarm-ish tut-tutting that breaks out in the baseball world whenever a pitcher throws at someone's head. In cricket - the man's game - the attitude is quite different. In this clip of Pakistan bowler Waqar Younis, note the tone of warm approval, the relish, in the second commentator's voice:



(Ironically enough, it sounds like the batsman is called Clemens.)

Trivia: The first voice is BBC commentator Henry Blofeld. If you think the name sounds familiar, his father was at school with Ian Fleming, and that's how the supervillain got his name.

Texas Ranger Highlight Clips

Just because the Texas Rangers aren't having the world's most stellar season doesn't mean we can't put up a highlight clip:

Dale Berra- Total Disgrace!

Let’s see, your dad was a gunner’s mate in the D-Day invasion in WWII and then after saving Europe, he returned home to embark on a baseball career that would see him go to 14 World Series, 15 All-Star games, and win 3 MVP’s. Oh yeah, he also took both the Mets and the Yankees to the World Series as a manager before going into the Hall of Fame in 1972.

In addition to this, he invented “Yogi-isms”, an endearing way of putting things- (“90 percent of the game is mental, the other half is physical”) which made him beloved and a national icon.

You, on the other hand, were an early to mid-80’s middle infielder for the Pirates and Yankees who is famous for being fined 10% of his salary for admitting to using cocaine on and off from 1979 to 1984. You also, after being traded to Yanks where your dad was the manager, were fined for public urination and resisting arrest.

And if that wasn't enough, later that year you were the 2nd of two players to be thrown out at home plate in the same play. And, as you can see, you had a cheesedick mustache.

Behold, Dale Berra, the worst baseball son of all time.

Not since Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker has there been a wider gap between the accomplishments and legacies of a father and a son. Well, maybe Tom and Colin Hanks.

Sometimes the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, sometimes the apple gets on a plane and travels 3000 miles to a bus which drives for 2 days to a boat which sails across the Ocean and docks next to a rocket ship which launches into space and travels to the far reaches of the galaxy.

Hall of Fame, Hall of Fame Douchebag.