The Curse of the Chihuahua

In 1998, Tony Bennett tried to bring his pet chihuahua, Bridget, with him into Yankees Stadium for Game 4 of the World Series, where he was booked to massacre the National Anthem in the normal way. In a startling manifestation of Nietzsche's doctrine of Eternal Recurrence - or ewige Wiederkunft - ushers at the game said the dog was too smelly and told Bennet that he had to leave. Nevertheless, Bennett went on to sing the Star-Spangled Banner before casting a curse on the Bronx Bombers by warbling to the crowd: "Dose Yankees, dey not gonna win anymore.” Hopelessly derivative, this curse is widely regarded as the weakest of the modern era, as the Yankees won the World Series for the following three years. Pathetic.

“The Curse of the Dragon Queen, Charlie Chan and”

Not technically a curse, but a major motion picture starring Peter Ustinov and Angie Dickinson. Its capacity to determine the outcome of the World Series is debated by baseball scholars to this day.

The Curse of Margaret of Anjou, wife of Henry VI

“Uncharitably with me have you dealt,
And shamefully by you my hopes are butcher'd...
God, I pray him,
That none of you may live your natural age,
But by some unlook'd accident cut off!”*

Whoa! Strong words from a frustrated 15th-century Tampa Bay Devil Rays fan! Can it be coincidence that in the 500 years or more since these words were uttered the team has never even come close to the Fall Classic?

*Thought to be the only baseball curse to date to be delivered in blank verse

Curses again

Trautwig is not the only one active in this area. The Curse of the Bambino may no longer be in operation, but William Sianis' celebrated spell of 1945 ("Cubs, they not gonna win anymore") following a regrettable incident with a malodorous goat is still proving extremely effective in Chicago. In fact, the whole malediction field is surprisingly crowded. How many people know, for example, of the Curse of the Ant?

The Curse of the Ant

This one has haunted the Pittsburgh Pirates for decades. With two outs in the bottom of the ninth and a man on third in a meaningless late-September bottom-of-the-division clash against the Milwaukee Brewers, an ant controversially crawled across home plate as the Brewers pitcher was about to deliver. The Pirates’ switch-hitting second baseman Bill Nowizickiyzykzykzykczczczczialanek ('The Swamp Man') was fatally distracted and struck out swinging. Since then, switch-hitting second basemen for the Pirates have gone 0 for 13,464 in the ninth inning of meaningless late-September bottom-of-the-division clashes against the Milwaukee Brewers. Pirates fans can be seen gathering in the noonday sun with magnifying glasses for ritual executions in the hope of reversing the Curse of the Ant.

The Bambino Will Bite You In The Tuckas!

MLB teams and fans. Unless you are a Yankees fan, stop having anything to do with the Boston Red Sox and the Curse of the Bambino. I’m not saying this to exclude you. I’m doing it to keep the curse from getting you!

The curse will get you MLB teams! The curse will get you!

What am I talking about?

2003 ALDS. Oakland fans shooting their mouths off. The As had taken the first two of the best of five series. The Oakland fans had Bambino galore in the stands including the “1918” chant. You’re not Yankees fans Oakland! It’s not your curse!

Over the next three games the Bambino got mad and bit them in their collective tuckas. The A’s committed a ridiculous amount of errors in the field and base running. Coming home to tie the game outfielder Eric Byrnes gets blocked by Sox catcher Jason Varitek and all he has to do is touch home plate because J drops the ball. It’s all he has to do! So what does he do? He shoves Jason Varitek and walks away. Varitek picks up the ball and tags him out.

This base running error rivals Jason Giambi’s not sliding in the ALDS in 2001 against who? The Yankees. The A’s lose 3 in a row and the curse focuses back on Boston and Bambino bites them in NYC.

The 2007 Cubs. Lou Pinella managing. Alfonso Soriano slugging. NL Central champs. What could go wrong? The 2007 season was filled with Cubs fans bringing signs to the games written in RED SOX FONT! Don’t do that Cubs Fans! Do Not Do That! Find your own font!

So, what happens? The Cubs get swept out of the first round by the Dbacks. That wasn’t the goat biting your tuckas Cubbies, it was the Bambino.

Finally, the 2007 Mets. What? The Mets? What did they do that has anything to do with the Yankees/Red Sox?

As you’ve read I went to a Mets game a few weeks ago. Two things sent a chill down my spine. On the big screen they show a highlight of a homerun scenario that looks almost identical to Carlton Fisk’s famous 1975 World Series homerun against the Reds. You know, the one where he waves it fair.

Then! Shea Stadium played “Sweet Caroline!” Neil Diamond’s Sweet Caroline, the song made famous at Fenway Park! Why are you ripping off the Red Sox, Mets? Why! Haven’t you done enough already? Don’t rip off the Red Sox. Show the Buckner error over and over and over again, but don’t play Sweet Caroline. It awakens the Bambino, he gets confused and he bites you in the tuckas.

So what happens? The Mets lose a NL East lead that is reminiscent of the 1978 choking Red Sox. See what you’ve done Mets? See what you’ve done!

So people please. Even though the Sox broke the curse in 2004, you must be careful. That Bambino is always ready to awaken, he is always hungry and your tuckas always looks juicy.